IMG Police Report: 5/28/2008

Sometime over the holiday weekend would be burglars entered the fifth floor of the Monadnock Building and broke into suite 500, the home of sports marketing firm IMG.

Inexplicably, the burglars left without taking anything. They were soon apprehended after the night security guard realized they were not wearing "visitor" stickers.

When asked why they did not take anything from the office building, the burglars said, "well we would have but there was nothing valuable."

After being told that the IMG office houses at least $15,000 worth of computer equipment the burglars said, "What! Where!? They must have installed one of those high tech security systems, you know, desk drawers."

In response the incident, Office Mom said, "Am I a superhero? I don't know. Some people might say a superhero is someone who stops crime in which case, yes, I am a superhero; I told them all to put their computers in their drawers. Other people say a superhero is someone who can fly and has superhuman strength in which case, yes I am also a superhero."

Rejected Out of Office Assistant Messages

In honor of my backpacking trip and first ever use of Outlook's Out of Office Assistant, here are the messages that didn't make the cut:



Thank you for your email.

I will be out of the office until May 28th, during which time I will have limited access to email as I am traveling to the early 90's. I will however, be reachable by phone for just 10 cents a minute.



Thank you for your email.

I will be out of the office until May 28th. If this is an urgent matter, then I'm glad I'm not there to have to do it myself.



Thank you for your email.

I will be out of the office until May 28th as my mom forgot to pick up my dry cleaning. I will also be without email and phone as she also forgot to pay my bills for me.


Thank you for your email.

I will be out of the office until May 28 as I am auditioning for the role of grown up Short Round in the new Indiana Jones Movie.

Rejected IMG Day Suggestions

No Gallagher is not dead, and neither is prop comedy. Don't believe me? Then see for your self at this once in a lifetime comedy show extravaganza!

Come and enjoy three hours of this classic comedy duo, but please do not stay longer than 30 minutes as this would be a violation of the Geneva Convention.

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Men live your dream by marrying five women. Women live out your dream by serving your husband and having 18 children. Sound too good to be true? Well you'd be wrong. Please join us for a day of fun, prayer, and forced marriage (fun not included until after death and upon entrance into heaven) at the YFZ Ranch.



What's that? 1850 called. They want their dresses back? Well you tell 1850 we're keeping them because they just feel so good. That's right, what would a day at the YFZ Ranch be with out dresses straight out of the Oregon Trail? Careful don't get typhoid fever.



At night, get a little randy and show off those ankles at the YFZ Ranch Ball. Don't dance too close or you'll go straight to Hell.

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Looking for the perfect corporate get away? Then look no further! Join us for a day of fun that you will remember for the rest of your life. Discover brand attributes and research consumer demographics that match those attributes. Design a custom sports marketing platform that will match those customer demographics. Deliver and measure the results of such a initiative.

Additionally coordinate and find sponsors for sporting events around the country.

Sounds like fun? Well now you can enjoy all these benefits for three months without the burden of getting paid. Please send your resume to Brian.

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Do you enjoy adventure racing? How about street racing? Or rock climbing? If you answered yes to any of these things than you'll love this corporate get away. Now, more than ever before is the perfect time to get away to Iraq.

Here you'll enjoy adventure racing through the desert dodging insurgents, street racing avoiding RPGs, and rock climbing in our new state of the art indoor climbing facility!

Highlights From Bay to Breakers (In My Mind)

After opting out of dressing as Eight Belles, Christine decided to be a little less controversial and went as a Guantanamo Bay prisoner, using a Koran for target practice, while getting married to her life partner Susan, and running with the Olympic torch.

Michelle decided to pay tribute to her home country by telling everyone she was from England

It was all fun and games until Sandra dressed as someone who got their eye poked out

Kevin put on his old uniform and could be seen reminiscing about the good old days:

Donna's costume of the Cosco Busan was a smash with all the other runners. People thought Donna looked really slick in her paper mache and couldn't stop spilling the compliments. It was even voted best costume in the whole Bay to Bridge Breakers. Everyone had a really pun time.

Marc completely immersed himself in his costume idea of Baby to Breakers. After drinking 8 bottles of White Russians, Marc could be seen stumbling around, drooling, barely able to talk, and eventually throwing up on the people trying to carry him.

IMG San Francisco Office Elated

After yesterday's sad news, it is with great pleasure that I update you on the elated atmosphere of the IMG San Francisco office.

Said Kevin, "this is surely one of the happiest days of my life."

What could lighten the mood in this office so quickly after yesterday's devastating news of the tragic passing of Clara the rat? Today the California Supreme Court struck down the ban on same sex marrage.

When asked if he was so happy because he would now be able to marry his male life partner, Kevin said, "Oh no I'm not gay. In fact I'm happily married... but I just like having the option."

IMG Quiz #1

Test your knowledge with the IMG quiz.



Analogies:



1. Marc's management style is to Darren's management style as:

a. hot is to cold

b. up is to down

c. "Not to nit pick but sometimes you used size 12 font and other times you used size 11.99 font" is to "sorry I missed that meeting and didn't tell anyone. I had to do... something"

d. all the above



2. John is to Bainter as:

a. Brian is to Edawrds

b. Derek is to Zoolander

c. Donna is to Triapino

d. Kevin is to McSrehry



3. 685 Market Street, Suite 500 is to Outer Space as:

a. leaf is to tree

b. Phone is to ear

c. Eduardo is to everyone else

d. pen is to paper



4. Brian is to his mom as:

a. pen is to paper

b. dog is to cat

c. voice is to phone

d. Bert is to Ernie (without the homosexual undertone)



Multiple Choice:



1. How many times have I heard the words "logo violation" since starting at IMG

a. 5

b. 7

c. 10

d. 4,551

2. Which of the following does NOT belong

a. Cookies and milk

b. Mac and Cheese

c. White and rice

d. Darren and Shawna

3. Los Gatos is Spanish for

a. Los Gatos

b. They don't know. That knowledge was lost to the annals of time

c. Horny spider monkey

d. The cats

It is With a Heavy Heart That I Say...

The mood in the IMG San Francisco office is somber as we morn the passing of a friend, companion, compadre, and rat-queen. Clara, a two year old, ball of energy has fallen ill and will be taken to the vet for her final 'passage' into the eternal sewer in the sky. She is survived by her mother Shawna and step sister, Shawna's daughter.

Clara will be remembered for her contagious smile, poignant odor, and ease with which her passing got her mother out of a day at work. Said Shawna, "I will always cherish the memories I have of Clara. One of my favorites is going to the beach, on a beautiful day in May, because I had to get her euthanized. I'd also like to add that I'm a mother and my daughter is going to college to study music next year, and I have a boy friend."

At a time like this I feel it is important to take a step back and take notice of the things that really matter in life. Of course there are the necessities like food and shelter, but there are also the joys of life that make it worth living. Would a house be a home without family? Would good food be a meal without friends to share it with? Would a rat be a pet without someone to love/kill it? We should all take some time to think about these small joys in our lives, and remember how lucky we are to have them

Brian

P.S. I'M GOING TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!