This Just In...

News of Michael Jackson's Death Causes Internet to Crash. IMG San Francisco Office Doesn't Even Notice.

The Information Below Average Highway

Believe it or not there are things in this world slower than the IMG San Francisco office's Internet... maybe (TBD by science). Here are some things that are FASTER:
1. Evolution
2. Plate tectonics
3. Traffic in Los Angeles
4. Molasses
5. Brian Austin Green's career
6. The plot of "Waterworld"
7. Pairs Hilton's wit
8. Dial-up

Don't Act so Surprised... Kirstie Ally Proved Long Ago That Inanimate Objects Can Talk

Recently, I accidental left my voice memo recorder running after leaving for the day. Here are some excerpts of what my possessions had to say.

Phone: I get it already! Ring Dance is part of InterCall.

Computer: My god Brian's hands are soft! So gentle when they stroke my keyboard. I'm just going to freeze up and enjoy the ctrl+alt+delete pleasure train.

Customized Mariners Bat: I'd rather be a bowling pin.

Coupon to Dave's Bar: Trade me in for lower inhibitions.

Calculator: 80085... Hahahahahahaha.

Phone: And you wonder why you're still a virgin calculator.

iPod Shuffle: Hey Brian, Siegfried/Roy called they want their playlist back.

Calculator: My foot + your ass = suck it phone

Trash Can: You can keep looking but, I'm telling you, your dignity is not in here.

Phone: Here's a math problem for you: 1/2 douche + 1/2 bag = 1 calculator.

I Wonder if the Other Kinds of Harrasment Get Jealous of all the Attention Sexual Gets

I recently took IMG's sexual harassment training program. I passed with flying colors scoring a 100% on the final test. Here is what I learned:

1. At some point someone made following statement: "Hello I'm here to audition for the role of 'Man Looking Suggestively at Another Man.'"

2. To stop sexual harassment in the work place you can: think about your actions before you make them, avoid touching coworkers, or only hire ugly people.

3. I apologize and take back every congratulatory butt slap I've ever given.

4. Also, for the record, I was not aware that actions occurring at office holiday parties could be considered sexual harassment.

5. If you're a women DO NOT work at a railroad yard. You're really just asking for it.

6. Dropping your pen is not sexual harassment, a female coworker picking up your pen is not sexual harassment, but apparently not wearing pants to work is.

7. I have been sexually harassed many times. And I still haven't got sick of it.

8. What's said during cornhole will never qualify as sexual harassment, so feel free to keep trying to throw it in the hole... that's what she said.

9. You have to understand that with a name like Ben Dover, you're going to have to let some stuff fly.