A Friend in Need Is a Friend Indeed... and Then Some

Last night at dinner IMG San Francisco found out that our very own Darren will be accompanied by Ms. Charity to the 2008 Holiday Party. When asked if Charity and him were dating, Darren simply said they were "just friends." Here is a list of other things that Darren is "just friends" with:

1. The couch cushions at his parents house in Green Bay.

2. The entire 1996 women's Harvard basketball team.

3. That girl who's name he can't remember. They became "friends" in a women's bathroom.

4. A bowling ball.

5. This guy, but just once, and that was a long time ago, in Vegas, and Darren was lonely.

6. A Fruit Roll-Up

7. A six pack of Oscar Mayer hot dogs.

8. The December 2001 issue of playboy.

9. But Darren's real best friend is himself.

If New Jersey is the armpit of America, Las Vegas must be the... nevermind

This being my first trip to Vegas, I wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting myself into so I travelled to the future and observed the IMG Planning Summit to get an idea. Here are my musings:

Darren learns that it only takes a little penicillin to make what happens in Vegas stay in Vegas.

Just because you went to Harvard does NOT mean you can count cards.

According to the police report, Kevin wasn't wearing any pants. But in his defense they were making his butt look big.

Las Vegas may be the "city that never sleeps," but it certainly gets drunk and passes out.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," thought Mrs. Donna Trpiaino-Raknin.

"Lesson learned: Two wrongs certainly don't make it right," thought Mrs. Donna Trpiaino-Raknin-Revees.

If the best things in life are free, you can buy them in Las Vegas for $50/hour.

We cordially invite you to IMG Planning Summit 2009 held in beautiful Bismarck, North Dakota.

The Perfect Slogan for the Perfect Pushup

Now that Sandra is the marketing director for the Perfect Pushup, she asked for my help coming up with a new slogan. Here is what I came up with. Feel free to add your own to the comments section.

The perfect gift to say "lose some weight"

At least your pushups can be perfect

Light years ahead of the Mediocre Pushup!

Much easier to ignore than your treadmill or gym membership!

Rosie O'Donald called, she wants her flabby arms back

Push something other than flatulence!

Feel the burn. And not just when you pee!

IMG: Where Are They Now?

They came, they saw, they unceremoniously left. Find out what past IMG employees are doing now.

Sandra
Sandra, formerly of the Kia Motors account, left IMG in June. Sandra left IMG for greener pastures and now enjoys her time as migrant worker.

Morgan
One of our wonderful Bank interns. Ones' eyes can't help but tear up when they think of Morgan, who will remembered for her unnatural love of onions. Morgan can now be found protesting around the campus of UC Berkeley under the name "ReDysicle."

Jeremy
Another beloved intern, Jeremy's dreams were as big as his heart. Unfortunately, Jeremy passed away from an enlarged heart.

Pitch
Pitch was a man who had two first names that could also both be last names, but chose to go by his middle name which isn't even a name at all; it's a verb.

Christine
After leaving IMG, Christine took a vacation to Las Vegas. After a late night out on the town, and some drunken vandalism, Christine now works as the stuffing in Siegfried's pants. She says she's happy, but when asked if she could do it all over again Christine sighed and said, "Sometimes, late at night, I wonder what Roy's pants would be like."

Kelly
Kelly's life post IMG took an unexpected turn when, ironically, her power steering failed causing her crash her car. Kelly eventually recovered from her injuries and went on to have a very successful career as Keanu Reeves.

First Impressions From my First Bank of the West Classic

With the conclusion of my first Bank of the West Classic, I have made some observations and musings. Here is what I took away from the experience.

1. Sometimes it's okay to be physically afraid of girls.
2. It takes very little, if any athletic ability to be a ball boy.
3. It is very hard to tell where the women's section ends and the men's section begins in the Vicomte Arthur Booth.
4. It is impossible to resell a women's Vicomte Arthur shirt.
5. IMG hates recycling.
6. If you use a British accent, people will believe anything you tell them about tennis.
7. Some dude ate Serena Williams than hurt his knee.
8. Saying, "you got served" after an ace isn't funny even the first time you say it.
9. Apparently, there are hundreds of places to hide a tennis ball on the female body.

Sometimes Google can be Meaner Than A High School Girl

Bank of the West Intern Jeremy was bored one day at work so he decided to Google some of his coworkers. What started out as an innocent attempt to get to know his fellow IMG'ers, turned into an issue of the National Enquirer.

Here is what he found:

Sometimes I Think PETA Has it all Wrong

Bank Bear Accused of Online Stalking

Henry K. Lee, Chronicle Staff Writer

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
San Francisco, CA - Bank of the West Classic mascot, "The Bear," was arrested today on charges of online stalking. "The Bear," who tours the Bay Area promoting the July 14-20 tennis tournament, was found hibernating after an apparent late night honey binge. Police became suspicious of "The Bear" after he repeatedly mentioned online social networking site facebook.com.

A search of "The Bear's" house and home computer revealed that not only had "The Bear" managed to create his own Facebook profile, but that he was targeting and befriending other users.

Brian, one of "The Bear's" so called friends, said, "At first I thought it was cool. I mean to have a bear for a friend, but then the messages started. At first it was fun and new and exciting, but everyday it was something, like he'd ask if I knew what a bear hug really was, or if I wanted to taste some honey from his honey jar. What does that even mean?"

A hearing is scheduled for next Thursday to determine which charges should be pursued.

Police are still determining how "The Bear" was able to create a Facebook account without opposable thumbs.

Chivelry and Romance are Not Dead...

...And apparently they make denim.

Donna and Ryan went out for a night on the town, and thanks to some binoculars and a high powered listening devise, I was able to capture their whole conversation.

Donna: So Ryan, where are you from?

Ryan: Texas

D: Oh Texas! They say the only things to come out of Texas are steers and...

R: Steers and what?

D: Steers and... (pauses) nevermind. Are you gonna finish that steak?

R: But Donna, I haven't even ordered yet.

D: You should get the steak... So what do you do?

R: I make denim...

D: (Thinking) I knew it! Steers and queers.

R: ...But I'm not gay.

D: (Thinking) Oh thank God!

D: That's really cool. I bet you get some great deals on jeans.

R: Oh yeah. One of the great perks of my job.

D: (Thinking) Marry me! Dammit Donna, play it cool.

D: You know I get some pretty cool perks too. Like last summer I went to Paris for Rugby World Cup, and this summer I can get a really great deal on a wedding. (Thinking) Shit!

R: Well Donna I had a great time, but I should really get going.

D: What!? Okay. I'll call you.

R: I haven't given you my number.

D: Oh no worries. I already have it... Thank you facebook!

R: You're very creepy.

Waiter: Can I take your order ma'am?

D: I'll have the Chicken Cesar Salad and he'll have the steak.

A Day in the Life of...

Now that Sandra has some free time let's examine what her typical day looks like...

8:00 am - Wake up in a panic thinking she's late for work.

8:01 am - Realize that she quit that job falls back asleep to resume dreaming about tickling contest with David Beckham. Dream backfires and she has tickling contest with this guy:









10:00 am - Wake up because she has to go to that bathroom. Decides it's too early to get up and she can hold it.

12:00 pm - Wake up and urgently need to go to the bathroom. Look at clock and decides that she is okay with never seeing "am" again.

12:10 pm - Leaves bathroom. Wonders if it is normal to pee for 10 minutes. Decides that "am" is cool after all.

12:30 pm - Sees daylight for the first time today.

12:31 pm - Contemplates just drinking milk for her vitamin D needs and going back to sleep. Changes mind and goes outside.

12:32 pm - Can't figure out the warm feeling she has. Remembers that the sun is warm. Makes a mental note to go outside more.

12:33 pm - Walks to Starbucks.

12:40 pm - Gets half way to Starbucks, decides it's too far to walk and turns to walk home.

12:41 pm - Realizing she's exactly halfway between Starbuck and home, she calls a cab.

12:45 pm - Arrives back home. Asks John to get her a coffee.

1:00 pm - Turns on Rockband.

1:05 pm - Reads warning on Rockband that the game can be physically challenging and players should take periodic breaks. Decides not to play Rockband.

1:10 pm - Sits on her hands while watching the paint dry.

3:00 pm - Paint is dry. Nap time!

8:00 am (next day) - Wakes up in a panic thinking she's late for work. Realizes she slept though her nap and into the next day. Is upset because her coffee is now cold.

Thoughtless Farewells to Sandra

Farewell Sandra,
I will miss your ethnic diversity. The office will feel much whiter without you

Goodbye Sandra,
I never got a chance to tell you that your voice is very sexy. The rest of you, however, is not

Adieu,
Goodbye asian Kelly Dredge!

Peace out,
I'm very sad to see you leave, but I'm even sadder I never learned your name

Dear Sandra,
Congratulations on your first step towards being a trophy wife!

Bye Sandra,
Your departure marks the beginning of the Edwards, Solis, Doidge cage match for your cube

Bon Voyage Sandra,
I got you a gift but it died on the way over here

Good bye Sandra,
Now you will have more free time to work out!

Farewell Sandra,
I'm sad to see you go as I never was able to finish your hair doll

See you around Sandra,
Question for you. Is your restraining order the flirty kind or the call the police kind. I always have a hard time differentiating

Adios Sandra,
Quick tip for your new job: No one ever complains about showering too much

Goodbye Sandra,
I can't believe you're retiring and you're only 45

Bye Sandra,
I always thought you were kinda slow. Now I realize that I'm just very fast!

IMG Police Report: 5/28/2008

Sometime over the holiday weekend would be burglars entered the fifth floor of the Monadnock Building and broke into suite 500, the home of sports marketing firm IMG.

Inexplicably, the burglars left without taking anything. They were soon apprehended after the night security guard realized they were not wearing "visitor" stickers.

When asked why they did not take anything from the office building, the burglars said, "well we would have but there was nothing valuable."

After being told that the IMG office houses at least $15,000 worth of computer equipment the burglars said, "What! Where!? They must have installed one of those high tech security systems, you know, desk drawers."

In response the incident, Office Mom said, "Am I a superhero? I don't know. Some people might say a superhero is someone who stops crime in which case, yes, I am a superhero; I told them all to put their computers in their drawers. Other people say a superhero is someone who can fly and has superhuman strength in which case, yes I am also a superhero."

Rejected Out of Office Assistant Messages

In honor of my backpacking trip and first ever use of Outlook's Out of Office Assistant, here are the messages that didn't make the cut:



Thank you for your email.

I will be out of the office until May 28th, during which time I will have limited access to email as I am traveling to the early 90's. I will however, be reachable by phone for just 10 cents a minute.



Thank you for your email.

I will be out of the office until May 28th. If this is an urgent matter, then I'm glad I'm not there to have to do it myself.



Thank you for your email.

I will be out of the office until May 28th as my mom forgot to pick up my dry cleaning. I will also be without email and phone as she also forgot to pay my bills for me.


Thank you for your email.

I will be out of the office until May 28 as I am auditioning for the role of grown up Short Round in the new Indiana Jones Movie.

Rejected IMG Day Suggestions

No Gallagher is not dead, and neither is prop comedy. Don't believe me? Then see for your self at this once in a lifetime comedy show extravaganza!

Come and enjoy three hours of this classic comedy duo, but please do not stay longer than 30 minutes as this would be a violation of the Geneva Convention.

____________________________________________________________________



Men live your dream by marrying five women. Women live out your dream by serving your husband and having 18 children. Sound too good to be true? Well you'd be wrong. Please join us for a day of fun, prayer, and forced marriage (fun not included until after death and upon entrance into heaven) at the YFZ Ranch.



What's that? 1850 called. They want their dresses back? Well you tell 1850 we're keeping them because they just feel so good. That's right, what would a day at the YFZ Ranch be with out dresses straight out of the Oregon Trail? Careful don't get typhoid fever.



At night, get a little randy and show off those ankles at the YFZ Ranch Ball. Don't dance too close or you'll go straight to Hell.

___________________________________________________________________



Looking for the perfect corporate get away? Then look no further! Join us for a day of fun that you will remember for the rest of your life. Discover brand attributes and research consumer demographics that match those attributes. Design a custom sports marketing platform that will match those customer demographics. Deliver and measure the results of such a initiative.

Additionally coordinate and find sponsors for sporting events around the country.

Sounds like fun? Well now you can enjoy all these benefits for three months without the burden of getting paid. Please send your resume to Brian.

____________________________________________________________________

Do you enjoy adventure racing? How about street racing? Or rock climbing? If you answered yes to any of these things than you'll love this corporate get away. Now, more than ever before is the perfect time to get away to Iraq.

Here you'll enjoy adventure racing through the desert dodging insurgents, street racing avoiding RPGs, and rock climbing in our new state of the art indoor climbing facility!

Highlights From Bay to Breakers (In My Mind)

After opting out of dressing as Eight Belles, Christine decided to be a little less controversial and went as a Guantanamo Bay prisoner, using a Koran for target practice, while getting married to her life partner Susan, and running with the Olympic torch.

Michelle decided to pay tribute to her home country by telling everyone she was from England

It was all fun and games until Sandra dressed as someone who got their eye poked out

Kevin put on his old uniform and could be seen reminiscing about the good old days:

Donna's costume of the Cosco Busan was a smash with all the other runners. People thought Donna looked really slick in her paper mache and couldn't stop spilling the compliments. It was even voted best costume in the whole Bay to Bridge Breakers. Everyone had a really pun time.

Marc completely immersed himself in his costume idea of Baby to Breakers. After drinking 8 bottles of White Russians, Marc could be seen stumbling around, drooling, barely able to talk, and eventually throwing up on the people trying to carry him.

IMG San Francisco Office Elated

After yesterday's sad news, it is with great pleasure that I update you on the elated atmosphere of the IMG San Francisco office.

Said Kevin, "this is surely one of the happiest days of my life."

What could lighten the mood in this office so quickly after yesterday's devastating news of the tragic passing of Clara the rat? Today the California Supreme Court struck down the ban on same sex marrage.

When asked if he was so happy because he would now be able to marry his male life partner, Kevin said, "Oh no I'm not gay. In fact I'm happily married... but I just like having the option."

IMG Quiz #1

Test your knowledge with the IMG quiz.



Analogies:



1. Marc's management style is to Darren's management style as:

a. hot is to cold

b. up is to down

c. "Not to nit pick but sometimes you used size 12 font and other times you used size 11.99 font" is to "sorry I missed that meeting and didn't tell anyone. I had to do... something"

d. all the above



2. John is to Bainter as:

a. Brian is to Edawrds

b. Derek is to Zoolander

c. Donna is to Triapino

d. Kevin is to McSrehry



3. 685 Market Street, Suite 500 is to Outer Space as:

a. leaf is to tree

b. Phone is to ear

c. Eduardo is to everyone else

d. pen is to paper



4. Brian is to his mom as:

a. pen is to paper

b. dog is to cat

c. voice is to phone

d. Bert is to Ernie (without the homosexual undertone)



Multiple Choice:



1. How many times have I heard the words "logo violation" since starting at IMG

a. 5

b. 7

c. 10

d. 4,551

2. Which of the following does NOT belong

a. Cookies and milk

b. Mac and Cheese

c. White and rice

d. Darren and Shawna

3. Los Gatos is Spanish for

a. Los Gatos

b. They don't know. That knowledge was lost to the annals of time

c. Horny spider monkey

d. The cats

It is With a Heavy Heart That I Say...

The mood in the IMG San Francisco office is somber as we morn the passing of a friend, companion, compadre, and rat-queen. Clara, a two year old, ball of energy has fallen ill and will be taken to the vet for her final 'passage' into the eternal sewer in the sky. She is survived by her mother Shawna and step sister, Shawna's daughter.

Clara will be remembered for her contagious smile, poignant odor, and ease with which her passing got her mother out of a day at work. Said Shawna, "I will always cherish the memories I have of Clara. One of my favorites is going to the beach, on a beautiful day in May, because I had to get her euthanized. I'd also like to add that I'm a mother and my daughter is going to college to study music next year, and I have a boy friend."

At a time like this I feel it is important to take a step back and take notice of the things that really matter in life. Of course there are the necessities like food and shelter, but there are also the joys of life that make it worth living. Would a house be a home without family? Would good food be a meal without friends to share it with? Would a rat be a pet without someone to love/kill it? We should all take some time to think about these small joys in our lives, and remember how lucky we are to have them

Brian

P.S. I'M GOING TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!