Sometimes I Think PETA Has it all Wrong

Bank Bear Accused of Online Stalking

Henry K. Lee, Chronicle Staff Writer

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
San Francisco, CA - Bank of the West Classic mascot, "The Bear," was arrested today on charges of online stalking. "The Bear," who tours the Bay Area promoting the July 14-20 tennis tournament, was found hibernating after an apparent late night honey binge. Police became suspicious of "The Bear" after he repeatedly mentioned online social networking site facebook.com.

A search of "The Bear's" house and home computer revealed that not only had "The Bear" managed to create his own Facebook profile, but that he was targeting and befriending other users.

Brian, one of "The Bear's" so called friends, said, "At first I thought it was cool. I mean to have a bear for a friend, but then the messages started. At first it was fun and new and exciting, but everyday it was something, like he'd ask if I knew what a bear hug really was, or if I wanted to taste some honey from his honey jar. What does that even mean?"

A hearing is scheduled for next Thursday to determine which charges should be pursued.

Police are still determining how "The Bear" was able to create a Facebook account without opposable thumbs.

Chivelry and Romance are Not Dead...

...And apparently they make denim.

Donna and Ryan went out for a night on the town, and thanks to some binoculars and a high powered listening devise, I was able to capture their whole conversation.

Donna: So Ryan, where are you from?

Ryan: Texas

D: Oh Texas! They say the only things to come out of Texas are steers and...

R: Steers and what?

D: Steers and... (pauses) nevermind. Are you gonna finish that steak?

R: But Donna, I haven't even ordered yet.

D: You should get the steak... So what do you do?

R: I make denim...

D: (Thinking) I knew it! Steers and queers.

R: ...But I'm not gay.

D: (Thinking) Oh thank God!

D: That's really cool. I bet you get some great deals on jeans.

R: Oh yeah. One of the great perks of my job.

D: (Thinking) Marry me! Dammit Donna, play it cool.

D: You know I get some pretty cool perks too. Like last summer I went to Paris for Rugby World Cup, and this summer I can get a really great deal on a wedding. (Thinking) Shit!

R: Well Donna I had a great time, but I should really get going.

D: What!? Okay. I'll call you.

R: I haven't given you my number.

D: Oh no worries. I already have it... Thank you facebook!

R: You're very creepy.

Waiter: Can I take your order ma'am?

D: I'll have the Chicken Cesar Salad and he'll have the steak.

A Day in the Life of...

Now that Sandra has some free time let's examine what her typical day looks like...

8:00 am - Wake up in a panic thinking she's late for work.

8:01 am - Realize that she quit that job falls back asleep to resume dreaming about tickling contest with David Beckham. Dream backfires and she has tickling contest with this guy:









10:00 am - Wake up because she has to go to that bathroom. Decides it's too early to get up and she can hold it.

12:00 pm - Wake up and urgently need to go to the bathroom. Look at clock and decides that she is okay with never seeing "am" again.

12:10 pm - Leaves bathroom. Wonders if it is normal to pee for 10 minutes. Decides that "am" is cool after all.

12:30 pm - Sees daylight for the first time today.

12:31 pm - Contemplates just drinking milk for her vitamin D needs and going back to sleep. Changes mind and goes outside.

12:32 pm - Can't figure out the warm feeling she has. Remembers that the sun is warm. Makes a mental note to go outside more.

12:33 pm - Walks to Starbucks.

12:40 pm - Gets half way to Starbucks, decides it's too far to walk and turns to walk home.

12:41 pm - Realizing she's exactly halfway between Starbuck and home, she calls a cab.

12:45 pm - Arrives back home. Asks John to get her a coffee.

1:00 pm - Turns on Rockband.

1:05 pm - Reads warning on Rockband that the game can be physically challenging and players should take periodic breaks. Decides not to play Rockband.

1:10 pm - Sits on her hands while watching the paint dry.

3:00 pm - Paint is dry. Nap time!

8:00 am (next day) - Wakes up in a panic thinking she's late for work. Realizes she slept though her nap and into the next day. Is upset because her coffee is now cold.

Thoughtless Farewells to Sandra

Farewell Sandra,
I will miss your ethnic diversity. The office will feel much whiter without you

Goodbye Sandra,
I never got a chance to tell you that your voice is very sexy. The rest of you, however, is not

Adieu,
Goodbye asian Kelly Dredge!

Peace out,
I'm very sad to see you leave, but I'm even sadder I never learned your name

Dear Sandra,
Congratulations on your first step towards being a trophy wife!

Bye Sandra,
Your departure marks the beginning of the Edwards, Solis, Doidge cage match for your cube

Bon Voyage Sandra,
I got you a gift but it died on the way over here

Good bye Sandra,
Now you will have more free time to work out!

Farewell Sandra,
I'm sad to see you go as I never was able to finish your hair doll

See you around Sandra,
Question for you. Is your restraining order the flirty kind or the call the police kind. I always have a hard time differentiating

Adios Sandra,
Quick tip for your new job: No one ever complains about showering too much

Goodbye Sandra,
I can't believe you're retiring and you're only 45

Bye Sandra,
I always thought you were kinda slow. Now I realize that I'm just very fast!