All's Fair in Love and War... And Muni

Hello and welcome to our fair city. Judging by your jeans and running shoes, you’re a tourist. Well good for you! You’ve decided to take advantage of our convenient Municipal Transportation System or Muni as we affectionately call it. As you can tell by my Clipper Pass I am a seasoned Muni rider. What’s a Clipper Pass you ask? Well I will tell you and while I’m at it why don’t I give you some general tips and pointers to enhance your Muni experience:

• A Clipper Pass is Muni’s new payment system. It allows you board the bus quickly and efficiently. Oops, that rapid beeping sounds means you’re not holding your Clipper up to the scanner properly. No silly, the correct reaction is not to do exactly the same thing ten times! Now you’ve held up the line longer than if you would have paid in cash!


• Hello, I too am boarding this Muni bus. Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s normal protocol for you to cut me off on your mad dash to get the last seat!


• We’ve made it onto the bus! There are some general rules of thumb to remember while enjoying the ride. I noticed that you’re sitting in the aisle seat when then window seat is open. Please, do not inconvenience yourself by moving over. I will happily stick my derier or groin area in your face on my way to the seat. Oops, did my bag hit you in the face!?


• Yes, I overheard you talking about the stop at which you need to disembark. No, I’m not going to tell you that it was two stops ago.


• Judging by the fact that you're looking at that map like Rosie O' Donnell looks at a pie, you’ve fallen in love with it. It isn’t going to love you back no matter how long and closely you look at it.


• We’re getting close to your stop. Don’t forget to pull the cable to signal the driver. Great job! You’ve requested a stop! Uh oh, this isn’t your stop. Okay we’ll get it next time. There you go! Now you’ve requested the right stop! Oops, not this one either.


• Here we are! We made it to your destination! What an adventure! Let’s get off this stink hole. What’s that? The dummy of a driver isn’t opening the back door!? Thank you for yelling right in my ear at him. Maybe we forget to read the clearly marked signs on proper bus departure protocol? Guess you’re the dummy after all. STEP DOWN!


• Now enjoy the rest of your stay in this fine city. And please let the door hit you on the ass on your way out!